Ugh,
Uncle Bob has dug out some leftover Christmas fruitcake from last year – no,
wait, from 1984 – and thought it would be okay to serve if he just sticks in
some new raisins and slaps on some fresh frosting.
“Do
They Know It’s Christmas?”, written by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure in 1984, is currently in its fourth
incarnation. The song itself is mediocre at best. Sure, we’ve heard it so often
by now that of course we can hum along, but the melody is actually kind of clumsy in its
construction. It also doesn’t give singers a whole lot to work with, which is what
makes it so hard for them to hit the right tone. Either they go for a simple,
“honest” interpretation, in which case they tend to come off as bland and
rather unfeeling; or they go over the top, seeking an “emotional” approach, and
ending up with totally overwrought performances that just come across as
insincere and show-offy.
In comparison: Just
months after the initial “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” came out, USA for
Africa followed the UK’s example and recorded “We Are The World”. It may be
cheesy, but it is a perfect cheese. Written by Michael Jackson and Lionel
Ritchie, it is doubtless the superior song. You can tell it was authored by
singers, because it gives the vocalists enough substance to work with and
allows each of the many guests to truly shine and deliver ultimately legendary
performances.
But
back to Band Aid. These are the four versions you can choose from (although the
1989 version flopped and is, to my knowledge, no longer available):
BandAid (1984); BandAid II (1989); BandAid 20 (2004); BandAid 30 (2014)
THE ULTIMATE BAND AID AWARDS
To
help you choose your favourite, here are my personal awards in six categories:
* Best vocal performance:
Chris
Rea in Band Aid II: With his voice, which sounds like the vocal personification
of a hot toddy in front of a log fire, he really doesn’t have to make any sort
of effort to sound fabulous.
* Most OTT vocal performance:
Without
doubt, this one goes to Sinéad O’Connor in the 2014 version. Maybe she's having
some kind of seizure brought on by her extreme embarrassment at having to sing
these lyrics. On the up side, she is practically unintelligible, preventing us
from having to actually understand the lyrics at this point.
* Singer who looks most pissed off about
being there:
Although
with his do-gooder image today he would never admit it, the 33-year-old Sting of
1984 looks like he couldn’t care less. He’s probably just mortified to be
singing those lyrics (he even has to sing the line with the word “sting” in it.
Ouch).
Second place in this category goes to Angélique Kidjo,
“Africa’s premier diva”, in this year’s version. Boy, would I love to see a
thought bubble over her head. It would probably be filled with words this sweet
lady would never actually utter. Apparently, she wanted to change the lyrics
and did in fact sing various versions, none of which made it past Sir Bob’s
censorship.
* Most boring vocal performance:
1984: Paul Weller. Sorry, dude, but even if you’re
hating every second, you have to at least pretend to be making an effort.
1989: Big Fun. Who’s that, you’ll most likely be
asking. Well, this trio was one of the less successful acts from the Stock
Aitken Waterman flock. They got half a line to sing – “… we can spread a smile
of joy”. It’s depressing to think that what we hear in the final version must
have been their best take …
2004: Sugababes. My oh my. Do these three girls really
not have a shred of personality? Yawn.
2014: One Direction. Yikes. Maybe they went straight
from a party to the studio. These boys sure seem to be half asleep when they’re
singing the critical first line.
* Best production:
For
me the most cohesive version in terms of production has to be the Stock Aitken
Waterman version of 1989 – yup, the one that flopped. Unfortunately, it has an
awkwardly inappropriate party vibe going on. Besides, SAW’s star wasn’t waning at
this point, it was crashing.
* Least embarrassing lyrics:
Dear
me, where to begin. For me, the most mortifying line in the song is “The
greatest gift they’ll get this year is life”. (This year the line was replaced
by “A song of hope where there’s no hope tonight” – not much of an improvement
to be honest.)
As
for the least embarrassing, maybe “At Christmas time, we let in light and we
banish shade”. As clichéd as it may be, it’s possibly the only line that isn’t
either somehow objectionable, nonsensical or simply clumsily crafted.
The
line that understandably caused the most uproar through the years, “Well,
tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”, was changed in the current version.
I’m thinking Bono finally got his way. Apparently, he already objected to it 30 years ago.
And that wraps up my personal Band Aid
Awards. Maybe now you’re so curious, you’ll get straight on iTunes and buy all
the versions! (Except 2004 – I wouldn’t want you to have to hear that
perplexing “we-need-to-attract-hip-young-buyers” rap section).
Or donate to Doctors Without Borders
You can read the German version of this blog post at www.zartbitter.co.at
